Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to her grandmother’s house. She was carrying a basket full of wonderful goodies for her and her grandmother to eat… she also had a big gun to protect herself in the woods.

One day Little Red Riding Hood came upon a Fox. The fox looked at Little Red and says “Little Red Riding hood, what are you doing walking in the forest by yourself. You know if the wolf catches you he will rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”

Little Red sighs and smiles at the fox and slowly opens her basket and shows the fox her gun and says “No he won’t, see I have a gun to protect myself.” She smiles and skips away from the fox to her grandmother’s house.

Little red gets deep within the forest when she comes upon a bear who wanders up to her and smells the yummy food in the basket then thinks to himself for a second and says, “What are you, stupid, Little Red? You know if the Wolf catches you alone in the forest he’s going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties.”

Little Red shows the bear the big gun in her basket and smiles, “No he won’t I have a big gun in my basket ….” She pulls out the gun “See, nothing can harm me.” Little Red smiles and skips to grandmother’s house.

Little red finally makes it to grandmother’s house…and knocks on the door…no one answers so she goes right in. She walks to the bed, sees the Wolf and screams as the Wolf yells, “Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to rip your clothes off and fondle your titties!”

The wolf reaches out to her and Little Red smiles and pulls out her gun and yells, “No you’re not! You are going to EAT ME, JUST LIKE THE BOOKS SAYS!”

What do you call a prostitute covered in tattoos?

The Scenic Root.

O MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , “would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?” The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Two whores were talking shop…

“Why is it,” asked Sharon, “that I get as many customers as you, and yet you seem to make a lot more money than me?”

“Well, I’ll let you in on a little trick,” said Tracy. “What I do is, before I go out, I take a rubber band and stick it up my self. Then when I get a bloke back to my flat and he starts doing the business, it goes ping. I tell him he’s just broken my virginity. I usually get an extra $20 for that!”

“I’ll give that a try,” says Sharon.

She does and it works just fine. Unfortunately, one day as she was getting ready, she found that the bag of rubber bands was empty. She searched around, but all she could find was a catapult. She carfully inserted the catapult and set off for work. Having returned with a fella, Sharon spread them and as the bloke got going there was the usual ping.

“You’ve just broken my virginity!” said Sharon.

“Screw that,” said the punter. “My balls have just flown out of the window!”

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, “What’s wrong with you?”

The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

The big dude looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn around’.”