Little Johnny and his Dad were driving through town one day.

Johnny says, “You know Dad, I bet I have had sex with more women than you”. His Dad was shocked that Johnny could possibly think this, so he says, “Son, there’s no way! I’ve been on this earth 20 yrs longer than you have, there is no way you have been with more women than I have!”.

Johnny replies, “Yep, Dad, I think I have.” So his Dad thinks for a minute, “I tell you what, when we see a woman we’ve had sex with, we’ll clap.” Johnny says “o.k.”

They continue down the street, Johnny says “Hey look, it’s Betty Lou” (clap). His Dad looks, “Ya, I know Betty Lou” (clap).

“Look,” says his dad, “There’s Sally” (clap). Johnny says “I know Sally” (clap). “And there’s Jenny” (clap). His dad looks, “Yes, I know Jenny” (clap).

So Johnnys dad says “Well, Son, I’ve got to hand it to you, you haven’t done bad for yourself, but I’ve got ya beat.”

They pull into the driveway, Johnnys dad goes in and says “Hi Hon” (clap).

And Johnny comes in and says “Hi Mom,” (clap) “Sis,” (clap) “Grandma” (clap)

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, “Son, things haven’t been going very well and I’m afraid we’ll have to sell your duck. I’m really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money.”

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, “Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you’re interested.” He replies, “I’d sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck.” “Well,” she says, “maybe we can work something out.”

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying…..

When they come out, she is breathless and says, “Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I’ll give you back your duck.”

As you might guess, he’s all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.

She says to him, “I’ve got this friend who’s husband is a real loser. He hasn’t even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I’m gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead.” She calls her friend and tells her, “You won’t believe this kid I’m gonna send over to you. He is the best I’ve had in years. He’s just what you need.”

What none of them know is that the woman’s husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the woman’s house and the husband meets him on the road and says, “Look boy, I’ll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife.” Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.

His father see’s him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!! He says, “Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!”

“Dad,” he says, “You wouldn’t believe the day I’ve had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!”

What is the ultimate rejection?

When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don’t knock out any windows. It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let’s go up there, apologize, and see how much that’s going to cost.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on in.” They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke the window?”

“Uh yeah. Sorry about that,” the husband replied. “No, actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes – I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“OK great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” No problem – it’s the least I could do.

And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife. “I want a house in every country of the world,” she said. “Consider it done.” the genie replied.

“And what’s your wish genie?”, the husband said.

“Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it would be alright.”

The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, “How old is your husband, anyway?”
“35.” she replied.
“And he still believes in genies??? That’s amazing!”

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says “Doc, I’m getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I’m a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me”?

After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, “Medically, no, but here’s something you can try…on the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it’s your virginity snapping.”

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby “slips it in”, she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, “what the *@#% was that? The wife explains, “oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping”.

The husband cries out, “Well snap it again, it’s got my balls!!!!”