Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day.

She told him – “Johnny dearest, good boys save it till they’re
18.”

Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!

Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day
just talking about the business. The youngest one complained, “You
know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I
don’t think I can stay in business at those prices.”

Her Mom thinks for a while and says, “Well dear, in my day we would
give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to
get that!”

Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says, “The
both of you don’t know what tough times really are. Back during the
depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just
glad to get something warm in our stomachs!”

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops of ice cream and one scoop of dead baby

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are
peeling and flaking off, and he’s very concerned about grossing out
the other fans.

The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his
grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man
in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, “Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

The leper sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy. If
it disturbs you, I will move.”

“It doesn’t bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game.”

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits.
Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing
me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused
you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”

“It’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until is stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing
me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused
you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.”

“Really, it’s NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”

So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.

But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”

So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick,
that what is it?”

“It’s that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back.”

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. “You can’t make any noise,” she warns him. “My parents are upstairs and if they find out they’ll kill us!”

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man’s bladder. “I have to go,” he says.

“Well you can’t go upstairs, it’s right next to my parents’ bedroom,” she replies. “Use the kitchen sink”. So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks… “Do you have any toilet paper?”