Jeff Foxworthy in the Middle ages

You know you’re Castle Trash if……

Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet Your daughter’s chastity belt has rusted You can’t afford a cod piece…………….nobody notices You have more sheep dogs than sheep You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have… The plague improved your complexion………..but only for a little while The Pope sends you to the Crusades………..in Norway Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum Your wife is stronger than your plow horse…but the horse is prettier The grail you brought home has “made in China” printed on the bottom Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom You won “most improved ” at the tournament They call your daughter made Marian Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says “peace before discomfort” Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arky said to the doctor “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me.”

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…” at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down
to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.

The redneck looks quizzically at the dash board and says, “What are
those thangs?” The driver says, “Those are golf tees”.

The redneck asks, “What those are for?” The driver says “Those hold
my balls when I drive.”

The redneck says, “Sheeit, these Lincolns sure come with
everythang!”

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a Ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost?!? I thought you said ‘goats!’”

You might be a redneck if. . .

You think harass is two words. You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH. Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. You have more dogs than the local shelter. You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $

Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead!”

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the halfshell!

Definition of an Arkansas Virgin: A girl who can run faster than her brothers.