10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba”.
4. There’s a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There’s a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is…
1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

Q: How do you know you’ve been kidnapped by a redneck?

A: He’s asking 2 million dollars ransom in unmarked million dollar bills.

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country Songs…

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
4. I Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me?
5. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
11. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
12. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonite
13. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
14. I’ve Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Nowhere, Vermont

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, “Names Enoch…your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday…thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” replies Sam. “After six months of living like this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me.”

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you, though, there’s gonna be some drinkin’.” “Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them.”

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “More ‘n likely gonna be some fightin’, too.” Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. “Well, I get along with people. Don’t worry, I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.” “Now that is not a problem,” Sam says. “I’ve been up here all alone for six long months. I’ll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?”

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says… “Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there.”

‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘Cept a redneck named Taylor. His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle, And a-runnin’ down his chin Was a trickle of spittle. His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care, And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys. There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11; Dud goin’ on 10; Otis was 7. John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3: The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt, Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk. They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall. There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young’uns, “Now hesh up ya’ll! The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.” Maw was expecting And needed her sleep, So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit. The young’uns asked Bubba, “Paw, what is it?” Bubba just stared; He could not say a word. This was just like all of the stories he’d heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin’ But the boys didn’t know; They was about to start shootin’! They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake That would have resulted in venison steak. Bubba hollered out, “Don’t shoot, boys!” That’s Santy Claus And he’s brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin’ And a-raisin’ cain, And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name. “Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe! Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!”

“Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall! Quit shakin the trailer, Or you’ll make Santy fall!” The dogs kept a-barkin’ And wouldn’t shut up, And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys. Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys. Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry. The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry. Just as the reindeer Got into the air, The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn’t care.

He was busy lookin’ At all his new toys. Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys: “Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she’s all right. That roof fallin’ on her Could-a hurt just a might.”

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too. They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new. And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick, But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too. And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!