The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by z” and “w” by v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson
Aig – What a hen lays

Aints – He’s got aints in his paints

Paints – What cha put on your laigs of a mornin

Arn – Ma’s tard of arnin

Bag – He bagged her to marry him

Bobbed – A bobbed wire fence

Bresh – He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub – the light bub burned out

Cheer – What you set in

Crick – A small stream

Clum – He sure clum that tree fastern any ‘coon

Chiny – country over in Asia

Chuch duds – Sunday go-to-meetin clothes

Core – He got hisself a new Ford core

Cyow – Animal on Farm

Deppity – He helps out the shurf

Dribbed – He dribbed milk on his shirt

Dainz – Satidy night social

Ellum – A graceful tree

Fanger – What you put your rang on

Faince – Whats round the hawg lot

Far – What get the brandin arn hot

Furred – He got furred from his job

Flar – A rose is a purdy flar

Frash – Them aigs ain’t frash

Furiners – All non-’bamans

Further – Hits ten miles further to town

Grain – She was grain with envy

Hail – Where bad folks go

Hep – Poor George, he can’t hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Hern – It aint hern, it’s his’n

Hilbilly – People in the next county

Hollar – Whats between the hills

Hard – Got a brend new hard

hand Tar – His core blew a tar

Laymun – A sour fruit

Laig – Most folks have two of them

Lather – What you climb up

Liberry – Where you go to check out books for larnin

Mailk – what you get from cyows

Mere – What you see your self in

Minners – Live bait

Misrus – Married Woman

Nar – Opposite of wide

Nayk – Your head sets on it

Nup – No

Orrel – Them hinges need orrel

Ormy – What the sojers go in

Pank – A light red color

Parch – Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Petition – What separate the rooms

Poke – A paper bag or sack

Pokey – What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke

Salit – A green vegetable

Puppet – What the preacher is in

Purdy – She is purdy as a pitcher

Purt near – Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig

Rang – You wear it on your fanger

Rut – That there tree sure has long ruts

Rah cheer – I was born rah cheer in town

Rainch – A big cow farm

Rat – Do it rat now!

Rench – Rench the soap yourself

Roont – She plum roont her shoes

Salary – A stringy vegetable

Soardeens – Small canned fish

Shar – A light rain

Gully Worsher – A medium heavy rain

Toad strangler – A heavy rain Sody

Pop – A soft drink

Sprang – Water out’n the ground

Shurf – The Shurf put Clem in jail

Storch – This here aprn has to much storch in it

Skeered – that plumb skeered me to death

Thanks – He shore thanks he’s smart

Tho – Tho me the ball

Thoat – I shore got a sore thoat

War – A bobbed war fance

Worsh – Go worsh your face

Warter – What you worsh your face in

Yurp – A continent overseas

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.