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Sweden Jokes


Sweden is the homeland of the great Moose and the majority of Swedes are dependent on it for their survival. Don’t go to Sweden for business purposes in September. It is most likely that the firm you’ll supposed to visit is closed down because of flu which is a swedish nickname for Moosehunt.

The yearly moosehunt, this is Sweden remember, is a folk feast heavily regulated by govermental legislation. Each county, every village, down to the very individual landowner gets a statistically based yearly quota on how many moose they have the right to shoot. For the average landowner this counts down to 0.0342 moose. Now how do you shoot 0.0342 moose? The best way is to team up with other hunting neighbors until you reach score one and then hump off to the woods with walkie-talkies and hope that you not shot each other or even worse – more than one moose, a catastrophy that could prevent your hunting rights for decades.

Swedish hunters always use the latest weaponry when hunting. However after an incident in 1912 when a tactical nuke accidentally killed some polish lingonberry-pickers, hunters were banned from using anything more destructive than paper airplanes. The ban was lifted 19 years later after country-clown Markoolio had been successfully assassinated with a flame thrower.

Now direct hunting is not the most important way to survive on the Swedish moose. More profitable is either to sell hunting rights to germans or moose related souvenirs to everyone else. The Swedish Moose Souvenir Industry is surpassed in the field of cheap mass produced gizmos only by toy production in Taiwan and lately the Wal-Mart’s Republic of China.

Even if the demand for Swedish moose puppets has rocketed on world market, business analyst believe that the sign of the future is export of the Moose warning traffic signs.

Moose manure paper is a huge profitable industry. [1]. Recently the paper quality has been good enough for printing dollars on, something that greatly has improved Swedens trade balance with the US.

Another successful product related to moose is the popular drink Tomtebloss, served at all nightclubs concerned of their reputation. The ingredients are: 1/3 home made booze 1/3 blueberry juice 1/3 lobster broth and a dash of Moose piss. This drink usually occurs together with Surströmming

Swede in a Pub

A Swede was in a pub in Finland and a regular customer suggested to him:
- “I’ll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head.” The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure. The Finn smashed the first bottle on the Swede’s head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.
- “So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?,” asked the Swede.
- “I am not a total idiot,” the Finn replied, “then I would have to give you that $200.”

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You know you’ve been in Sweden too long, when…

1. It’s acceptable to eat lunch at 11.00.
2. You think Leif ‘Loket’ Olsson is entertaining.
3. You rummage through your plastic bag collection to see which ones you should keep to take to the store and which can be sacrificed to garbage.
4. You associate pea soup with Thursday.
5. The first thing you do on entering a bank/post office/pharmacy etc. is look for the queue number machine.
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Swedes in “Questions and Answers”

Q: How do you get a Swede to sound like a dog?
A: Pour gasoline over the Swede, light a match to it and “woof” up it goes in flames.
Q: What’s the difference between a dead Swede in the road and a dead snake in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: Why did the Swede put condoms on his ears?
A: He wanted to avoid getting hearing aids.
Q: Why did the Swedish woman return the vibrator she bought?
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The Winning Swede

There was a sandwich machine in a Swedish factory. Sven didn’t quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and paid his ten kroners and got one sandwich. He was so excited, and paid another ten to the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Another worker was wondering what Sven was doing:
- “Sven, don’t you think you should stop now?”
- “What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!”

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