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Russia Jokes


Russia (not to be confused with Ukraine) (Russian: Ð оссия-мать-вашу), is the world’s largest banana republic and the world’s biggest source of smaller banana republics since 1991, commonly misspelled as ‘hell’, ‘slaughterhouse’, and ‘rosin’, a huge piece of Asian land, where barbarians called Russians reside. They are governed by authoritarian Dear Leader Vladimir Pudding, distantly related to Vlad the Impaler, known in former career as Vlad and the Wailers. If you dare to criticise Tovarishch (Comrade) Pudding, you will to be shot, or worse, sent off to Belarus. And pudding is delicious, so why would you?
Russians have a unique character that is expressed in very different ways. They are a very angry nation. When they are happy they are sad and when they are sas ….they are sad. They also have a weird personality and appearance.
Typical Russian woman or man
Typical Russian woman or man

Russians like to associate themselves with Ukraine, though the latter often go hunting for Russians in the winter. Hot people live in Russia because it is cold there, at least in some places. Some of the hot people look suspiciously like bears. Some of these hot bears moved to the Americas (see: Svetlana of The Real World). The porn star Winnie the Pooh (Russian: Превед) hot people’s god.

Despite high concentration of the aforementioned hot people, nobody willingly moves to Russia, unless they happen to be obscure African nationals or Chechenistanians who are answering call of nature to lay eggs there. Chinese people and Koreans move there only because they prohibited by law to form 6th level of vertical human habitat, and to lay their eggs there. This why Russia also known as The Motherland. Jews used to make up Russia’s ninja army, but have since moved away to Israel or Turkmenistan, depending on whether they smart or hungry corresponsively.

Hot Russians speak hot Russian language, which won’t let them say the word that sounds like ‘bee’ in any form. However, this deficit enabled them to create such masterpieces as Tetris and Harry Potter. Wodka, a magical variety of cheese which hails from the Russian serengeti, better known to the uninitiated as vodka.

There have been plans in the pipeline to replace Russia with another ocean, as Russia mostly big and pointless and the ocean breeze would make Central Asia a much nicer place to. Part of this plan was actually carried out, but as soon as Neorusso Sea iced over, nobody could tell difference, except for some angry giraffes, which have since attempted to form their own branch of the Russian tree, though they have not yet succeeded, because they like to call it Chechnya.

Evaluating this painting

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”

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Throwing away garbage

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn’t find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.

Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, “Hey you, what are you doing?”

“I have to throw this away,” replied the tourist.

“You can’t throw it away here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “dump all the garbage you want.”

The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.

“Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?” asked the tourist.

“No. This is the American Embassy.”

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Unfamiliar with a term

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”

The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says, “What’s meat?”

The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”

The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”

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Russian Vodka

A Russian guy was walking down the street when he came across a bottle of vodka. He picked it up, opened it and a genie came out and said, “You are my master. You now have one wish.”

The Russian man said, “I would like to piss vodka.”

When the he got home he told his wife to get two glasses. She brought them and asked what they’d be drinking. He told her he could piss vodka, and of course she didn’t believe him. So he pissed in the glasses, she smelled one, and said, “It smells like vodka!”
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Foreign Signs

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
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