Did you hear about the guy from Kentucky who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can’t touch it till she’s fourteen.
—

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?” asked the operator.

Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”

The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

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How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my sink” and the person at the front desk says “go ahead.”

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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Kentucky to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

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What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw” in Kentucky? A documentary.

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Where was the toothbrush invented? Kentucky. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

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A Kentucky State trooper pulled over a pickup truck on I40. He said to the driver, “Got any ID?” The driver said, “Bout what?”

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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

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Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Kentucky burned down?
Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.

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A new law recently passed in Kentucky: When a couple gets divorced, they can still brother and sister.

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Two Kentuckians were walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one was carrying a sack. When they met, one said, “Hey, Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”

“Jus’ some chickens.”

“If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?”

“Shoot, ya guesses right and I’ll give you both of them.”

“OK. Ummmmm . . . five?”

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What do a divorce in Kentucky, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.

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A guy from Kentucky came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry over here. My house is on fire!”
“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”
“Shucks, don’t you still have those big red trucks with lights?”

—

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? ‘Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey’, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today’.
‘Oh, really? Let me see…’, he said.
The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:

‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce.’

1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 2 million people and two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn’t taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach Read More…

Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces.

All of our units are currently busy assisting other customers in various trouble-spots around the world.
When you hear the beep, please leave the name of your country, region of the crisis, and a number where we can reach you.
As soon as we finish cleaning up the Balkans, Afghanistan, Iraq, N. Korea, Indonesia, Philippines, Malaysia, Saudi Arabia, Iran … well you get the picture, and our compulsory “Consideration of the Feelings of Others” orientation classes, we’ll be happy to return your call.

For more options, please press one now.
(beep)

If your crisis is small, immediate in nature, under-funded, and close to the ocean, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps Special Recon Forces.

If your crisis is distant, with a mild climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one of two low-risk, high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force.

If your crisis can be resolved with a bit of gray flannel, flags, and a really good marching band, press 3 for the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk Missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come first-serve basis.

If your crisis is not urgent, press 4 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you just want troops to occupy your country, get drunk at the local bars, fuck your women, run over your civilians with their vehicles, piss on your fire hydrants, and in general be a royal pain in the ass, press 5 for the United States Army.

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If you’d like to join the U.S. Marines, where you’ll be shouted at for low pay, have your wife and family stationed miles from civilization, and are prepared to work long hours, risk your life, in all kinds of weather and terrain, while watching congress constantly erode your pay and benefits package, please stay on the line. A bitter, passed-over Marine Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the post office will be with you shortly.

Thank you for calling the U.S. Armed Forces Hotline.