A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

“Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”

“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. “And the Americans, they are so friendly!” he concluded. “Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, …. ‘Jose, can you see?’”

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

“When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

“When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.’”

How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson
Aig – What a hen lays

Aints – He’s got aints in his paints

Paints – What cha put on your laigs of a mornin

Arn – Ma’s tard of arnin

Bag – He bagged her to marry him

Bobbed – A bobbed wire fence

Bresh – He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.

Bub – the light bub burned out

Cheer – What you set in

Crick – A small stream

Clum – He sure clum that tree fastern any ‘coon

Chiny – country over in Asia

Chuch duds – Sunday go-to-meetin clothes

Core – He got hisself a new Ford core

Cyow – Animal on Farm

Deppity – He helps out the shurf

Dribbed – He dribbed milk on his shirt

Dainz – Satidy night social

Ellum – A graceful tree

Fanger – What you put your rang on

Faince – Whats round the hawg lot

Far – What get the brandin arn hot

Furred – He got furred from his job

Flar – A rose is a purdy flar

Frash – Them aigs ain’t frash

Furiners – All non-’bamans

Further – Hits ten miles further to town

Grain – She was grain with envy

Hail – Where bad folks go

Hep – Poor George, he can’t hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Hern – It aint hern, it’s his’n

Hilbilly – People in the next county

Hollar – Whats between the hills

Hard – Got a brend new hard

hand Tar – His core blew a tar

Laymun – A sour fruit

Laig – Most folks have two of them

Lather – What you climb up

Liberry – Where you go to check out books for larnin

Mailk – what you get from cyows

Mere – What you see your self in

Minners – Live bait

Misrus – Married Woman

Nar – Opposite of wide

Nayk – Your head sets on it

Nup – No

Orrel – Them hinges need orrel

Ormy – What the sojers go in

Pank – A light red color

Parch – Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow

Petition – What separate the rooms

Poke – A paper bag or sack

Pokey – What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke

Salit – A green vegetable

Puppet – What the preacher is in

Purdy – She is purdy as a pitcher

Purt near – Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig

Rang – You wear it on your fanger

Rut – That there tree sure has long ruts

Rah cheer – I was born rah cheer in town

Rainch – A big cow farm

Rat – Do it rat now!

Rench – Rench the soap yourself

Roont – She plum roont her shoes

Salary – A stringy vegetable

Soardeens – Small canned fish

Shar – A light rain

Gully Worsher – A medium heavy rain

Toad strangler – A heavy rain Sody

Pop – A soft drink

Sprang – Water out’n the ground

Shurf – The Shurf put Clem in jail

Storch – This here aprn has to much storch in it

Skeered – that plumb skeered me to death

Thanks – He shore thanks he’s smart

Tho – Tho me the ball

Thoat – I shore got a sore thoat

War – A bobbed war fance

Worsh – Go worsh your face

Warter – What you worsh your face in

Yurp – A continent overseas

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork!” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you doing?”

And the New Yorker responds, “So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!