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Australia Jokes

Ahhh….Australia or more commonly known as “Ooooo-strya!”. The Great Southern Land, Down Under, The Sunburnt Country, Terra Australis, Oz, The Better Version of New Zealand…(Terra australaeionesia cowardiana), quite the happy continent, is a Commonwealth country known mostly by foreigners as Great Britain with a less fruity accent and sun in the sky you can actually see. It is also called “Oz” for short, or “down under”, after the most popular position. The name “Australia” originates from the Aboriginal word “Wallaborongamala” meaning “where the bloody hell am I?” (Though an alternative theory claims that the name comes from Igpay Atinlay and is a bastardisation of ‘Austria’). Potential tourists should note that Australia is populated by vicious, venomous creatures (both native and feral) that can kill a full-grown man in seconds.

Australia was formerly theorised to be the largest island in the world, but was later discovered to be nothing more than a hilariously undersized continent. Though Australia was first colonised by the Aborigines circa 60,000 B.C., the British took control of it after a bizarre administrative error which also created North Korea, Poland and Sweden. It was then discarded by the then King of England, King Kong, who was often criticised for having a typically 2D view of the world. Fortunately for England he was ousted from Primate Ministership by a strategically placed barrel to the head.

Some people maintain the viewpoint that there is only one place in Australia that isn’t worth visiting. These people are invariably divided into two sections: those who Hate Sydney and those who love every where including Sydney. The people of Sydney are often incapable of remembering anything outside of the name of their favoured state, unlike the rest of Australians, who know Everything.

Strange people are here

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

‘I’m fine, ‘ Angus said. ‘But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.’

‘Well, ma laddie,’ says his mother, ‘I suggest you don’t associate with people like that.’

‘Oh,’ says Angus, ‘I don’t, Mam, I don’t. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.’

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A cultural comparison

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.