George Bush went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, “George, what should I do?” After a few seconds George replied, “Abolish the IRS and start over.” George thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.

Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said “Tom, what should I do?” After a few seconds Tom replied, “Abolish welfare and start over.”

George continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, “Abe, what should I do?” After a few seconds Abe replied “Why don’t you take the night off and go to the theater?”

“According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.” -Jay Leno

“We Republicans were almost out of people to hate in the Senate. Teddy Kennedy is just too old and fat to pick on” -P.J. O’Rourke, on why Hillary’s Clinton’s election victory was a good thing, in his new book, The Ceo of the Sofa

“Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.” -David Letterman

“Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven’t spoken to each other since George W. Bush’s inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven’t spoken since Richard Nixon’s inauguration.” -Conan O’Brien

“Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same.” -Jay Leno

“A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He’s a law student, so he probably doesn’t need it, but still, that’s not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, ‘Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.” -Jay Leno

“It was reported today that a week ago Hillary Clinton officiated at the wedding of one of her long-time aides. There was one awkward moment. When they got to the point where they asked if anyone had a reason to object, Hillary got out her wedding album.” -Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent – over $500,000 a year. She’s in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month.” -Jay Leno

“Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.” -Late, Late Show host Craig Kilborn

“Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? ‘For Sale.’” -Jay Leno

“Senator Hillary Clinton was there. And it was the first time that she was at a presidential address as a member of congress. Of course Bill loved it, it was like having a Hillary cam. He knew where she was the whole time. He was keeping an eye on her from the motel. ‘Trixy bring me another brew, will ya? She is going to be about another 20 minutes.’” -Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments.” -David Letterman

“Where else in the world could you stand on a corner and have people yell ‘Go home! in every language?” -Hillary Clinton, on New York City

“CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.” -Jay Leno

“I’m praying, of course, that Hillary will win. If she doesn’t – Lord, I’ll have to call Revlon again.” -Vernon Jordan, friend and adviser to Bill Clinton, on Hillary’s New York Senate bid. Jordan came under fire during Clinton’s impeachment for having called Revlon to get Monica Lewinsky a job

“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.” -Hillary Clinton

“You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That’s a good-looking mummy.” -Bill Clinton, looking at “Juanita,” a newly discovered Incan mummy on display at the National Geographic museum

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.

St. Peter tells them that he’ll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, “I’m still working on it.”

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he’s working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it’s time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

“Can you arrange it for us?” they ask.

St. Peter replies, “Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?”

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: “We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing — assume the brace position immediately!”

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: “What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin’ crash!”

Claudia responds: “I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces — which is why I am putting on my make-up.”

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: “Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!”

Cindy responds: “I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts — which is why I am exposing my tits!”

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle.” Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: “Naomi — Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?”

Calmly, Naomi responds: “BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!”