“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’

–Larry Miller

“A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.”

–Christopher Case

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”

–Bob Ettinger

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”

–Ellen DeGeneres

“A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.’”

–Jake Johansen

“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”

–Dick Cavett

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.”

–A. Whitney Brown

“Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?”

–Jon Stewart

“My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”

–Paula Poundstone

“In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?”

–Warren Hutcherson

“I voted for the Democrats because I didn’t like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.”

–Jack Mayberry

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”

–Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.”

–Bruce Baum

“I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.”

–Jeff Stilson

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.”

–Sue Murphy

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.”

–Rita Mae Brown

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?”

–Rita Rudner

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

–Jerry Seinfeld

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”

–David Letterman

“If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.”

–Jay Leno

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”

–Lily Tomlin

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’”

–Jerry Seinfeld

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my….I could be eating a slow learner.”

–????