This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid “A’s.” These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends. So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus. Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) “Which tire?”

***

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said “I guess that it is flowers”. “How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, “I guess that is some candy.”

“How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Mmmmm is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. “Is it champagne?” she asked.

“Noooo,” replied the little girl, “It’s a puppy.”

***

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
“Let’s try to make this look natural “she said. “Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder.”
The father answered, “If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?”

***

Why was the headmaster worried?

Because there were too many rulers in school!

***

A student comes to a young professor’s office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
‘I would do anything to pass this exam.’
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
‘I mean…’ she whispers, ‘…I would do…
**anything**!!!’
He returns her gaze. ‘Anything???’
‘Yes,… Anything!!!’
His voice turns to a whisper. ‘Would you…… study???’

***

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.”
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good – maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

***

A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says: “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature.

“What else do you have?” asks the student. “Well I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks: “Do you have a pill for math?” The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” goes back to the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.

The pharmacist replies, “Well you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”

***

After Graduating from High School, David moves away from home to study at University. One of his letters home reads:
Dear Father,
University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his son’s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear David,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

***

So, there was this mathematician, physist, and biologist who went into this building and counted to make sure it was empty, because it was set to be demolished.
So they finish up and count and there is nobody inside. They go across the street and wait. After some time, two people enter. A few more minutes pass and three people exit.

The physist says “We must had miscounted”.

The bioligist says “They must have reproduced when they were in there”.

The mathematician says “Allright, when one more person enters the building will be empty.

***

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203′s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely, XXXXXXXX

***

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a
smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”

***

In College Too Long When…

* You consider McDonald’s “real food”

* You actually like doing laundry at home

* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends

* It starts getting late on the weeknights

* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party

* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it

* You’d rather clean than study

* Half the time you don’t wake up in your own bed and it seems normal

* Computer Solitaire is more than a game it’s a way of life

* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps

* You go to sleep when it’s light and get up when it’s dark

* You live for getting mail (E-mail included)

* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment

* Prank phone calls become funny again

* It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on

* World War III could take place and you’d be clueless

* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate

* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth

* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime

* You find out milk crates had so many uses

* Wal-mart is the coolest store

* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday

* You are sitting around making lists about how you know you’ve been in college too long

***

College Bible If college students wrote the bible…

12. ‘Blood of Christ’ switched from red wine to keg beer.

11. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!

10. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

9. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t dorm food.

7. Paul’s Letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s E-Mail To: [email protected]

6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

4. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes.

3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.

2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

***

College Majors Suppose you have a professor hold up two apples and asks a class “How many objects am I holding?” you would probably get different responses from different majors like…. Business: Two Juicy, delious apples that are on sale at my store.

Chemistry: 6×10^30 apple molecules

History: You are holding dinosaur poop

Music: You are holding two objects that if you drop them you will get a D4

Education: Two Apples

Accounting: You are holding one apple because the other one has to go to the government as tax

Psycology: What objects?

Math: You are holding two sets of objects, that take up a finite amount of space called apples.

English: You are holding two lush pieces of fruit, that are nourishing and remind me of my dog Fido. Fido thy sweet fruit. So nourshing in my time of need, you fill me up with……

Art: Two apples (Ha, Ha…Thank goodness for photoshop. The perfect oportunity to take a picture of the professor and alter the picture so that I have a blackmail photo).

Computer Science: Two apples (I’ll take the art major’s picture and post it on my website for all to see, and add links so that people could find similar pictures(and I make $)).