“Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence … and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.” –Jay Leno

“Senator Obama answered doubts about his inexperience by saying he has gained tremendous insight from his work as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, constitutional law professor, key club president, 4H treasurer, lunch room monitor, two years of jazz, and four years of tap.” –Amy Poehler

“Senator Barack Obama has jumped into the presidential race. … That’s the big rumor. Barack will officially announce on the ‘Oprah’ show. I think Hillary will announce on ‘Trading Spouses,’ and of course, John Kerry will announce on ‘The Biggest Loser.’” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama was in New Hampshire Sunday. When informed of this, President Bush excitedly asked, ‘Did we catch ‘em?’ –Seth Meyers

“Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate that was broadcast on CNN. The tone was much more friendly than their last meeting. In fact, they even shared a room together afterwards. That would be great revenge on Bill for Monica Lewinsky — Barack and Hillary making sweet, hot, post-debate love. How furious would Oprah be?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Did you all see Barack Obama and Hillary last night at that debate? Did you see them sitting side by side, staring at the camera? They looked like one of those bad local eyewitness news teams. ‘Let’s go to Barack for the weather. Thank you, Hillary.’” –Jay Leno

“I hope it is Barack Obama. … Him running against either the mannequin or Grandpa Munster. Hillary Clinton is great. I just think it’s time America heard the words, ‘And now for something completely different.’” –Bill Maher

“You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? Man, I couldn’t tell if he was running for president or bartender.” –Jay Leno

“Some sad news today for Barack Obama. Did you hear about this? Apparently, he’s been endorsed by former candidate, John Kerry. Just when things are going so well.” –Jay Leno

“Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday, he accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It’s a fairy tale in which a horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens, and then a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. So, you can see why he’s very upset.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, the big winner of the Democratic caucus. Stunning victory. He got 57% of the youth vote, 35% of the female vote, and 100% of Iowa’s black vote, a guy named Larry.” –Jay Leno

“Did you hear that Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are cousins? It’s strange, isn’t it? In a related story, 20 years ago, it turns out Rudy Giuliani was briefly married to himself. … Obama and Cheney are actually cousins, but Barack did not inherit the family sneer.” –David Letterman

“Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife, Lynne Cheney, said that Barack Obama and Dick Cheney are related. She said they are actually eighth cousins. … Lynne Cheney says that Obama and Dick Cheney’s connection was the result of one of Obama’s ancestors marrying one of Cheney’s ancestors in 1650. Even more interesting, you know who introduced them in 1650? Bob Dole.” –Jay Leno

“Isn’t that amazing, Obama and Cheney related? Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party.” –Jay Leno

“During an interview, Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife said that Vice President Cheney and Barack Obama are actually distant cousins. When Dick Cheney found out, he said, ‘I knew there was something creepy about that guy.’” –Conan O’Brien

“In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. Or, as Democrats call it, Barack Obama.” –Bill Maher

“Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama’s great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won’t be Irish enough for people.” –Bill Maher

“According to a new report by a genealogy company, Barack Obama’s great-great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Yeah, that should really solidify Obama’s support among Irish African-Americans raised in Hawaii.” –Conan O’Brien

“Did you hear the latest about Barack Obama? He comes from a family of slave owners. He’s black, but he’s half white. Apparently, on his mother’s side, which is the white side, they owned slaves. The Barack Obama camp is going to deny it, but his approval ratings in the South shot up 27 points.” –Bill Maher

“Presidential candidate Barack Obama was endorsed by former Senator Tom Daschle of South Dakota. Daschle is the first major Democrat to endorse Obama, and the first person in South Dakota to see a black man.” –Conan O’Brien

“Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama have been sniping at each other back and forth. It’s getting ugly. The good news for Obama is, all this bickering with Hillary is making him look presidential.” –Conan O’Brien

“Senator Barack Obama was in Los Angeles last night for a huge campaign fundraiser. That shows you what a great country this is — when an African-American with a Kansas mother and a Kenyan father, who spent time growing up in Indonesia and is running for president, spending time in a state where Spanish-speaking people have elected an Austrian governor.” –Jay Leno

“Over the weekend, Senator Barack Obama announced he’s running for president. … Obama gave a speech in front of thousands of people in Iowa. During the speech, Obama pointed out his family in the crowd, which was unnecessary since he was in Iowa.” –Conan O’Brien

“Over the weekend, Senator Barack Obama visited New Hampshire and thousands of people showed up to hear him speak. The New Hampshire crowds were excited, because apparently, this is the first time they’ve ever seen an African-American.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Reverend Jesse Jackson told CNN that he’s planning to endorse Barack Obama for president. Experts say this is a risky move for Jackson, because hardly anything rhymes with ‘Barack Obama.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Senator Barack Obama proposed for the first time setting a deadline for withdrawing troops from Iraq, as part of a broader plan aimed at bolstering his foreign policy credentials. Because if you don’t know your foreign policy, you might only get elected president twice.” — Amy Poehler

“Momentum continues for Barack Obama’s campaign. Actually, do you know what Barack Obama’s middle name is? Hussein. Could’ve been worse. Could’ve been Kerry.” –Jay Leno

“Presidential candidate Barack Obama says he’s going to quit smoking. Which is good news for Hillary Clinton. Now that he’s breathing down her neck, she won’t have to worry about second-hand smoke.” –Jay Leno

“Senator Hillary Clinton is back from her fact-finding trip to Iraq. She had to cut the trip short because she had to address a growing threat here at home — Barack Obama.” –Jay Leno

“Now that his potential presidential campaign is gaining strength, people are getting more and more interested in the origin of the fascinating name, Barack Obama. Turns out Barack Obama translates to ‘Hillary’s worst nightmare’” –Jay Leno