< face="times new roman,helvetica">You Know You’re In Alaska When…

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you know which leaves make good toilet paper.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .the mayor greets you on the street by your first name.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .there is only one shopping plaza in town.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .the municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .the major parish fundraiser isn’t bingo – its sausage making.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you find -60c a might chilly.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels and your Sorrels.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you can play road hockey on ice skates.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">You Know You’re In Alaska When…< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .when it warms up to -35 degrees(Fahrenheit) and you go out in your shirt sleeves to wash you car.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .when you drive for a mile on square tires on a -65 morning before they eventually become normal.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .when you have to put your sun visor down at 3:00 a.m.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .all of your relatives refer to you as that crazy person that lives up there.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .your kids think that you have to get on a airplane to go on vacation.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .freezing, 32 degrees(Fahrenheit), is warm enough to wash your car.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .the mosquitoes have landing lights.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you have more miles on you snowblower than your car.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you think sexy lingerie is fleece socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .at least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">You Know You’re In Alaska When…< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you take off your shirt and your arms are as pale as your legs all the way to your wrists.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you know that the term “Break Up” has more to do with the weather than personal relationships.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .your monthly phone bill is larger than your house payment.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .there is a bottle of Avon’s Skin-So-Soft in your tackle box.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you don’t know anyone who doesn’t own a 4-wheeler.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you have ever taken a trip “outside” and tried to cash a traveler’s check, drawn on an Alaskan bank, and the cashier asked you the current exchange rate in Alaska.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you have ever washed your car while there was still snow on the ground.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you have ever power washed your car by parking driver’s side into the rain in the morning, and passenger side into the rain in the afternoon. (a Dutch Harbor thing)

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you have tennis elbow but have never played tennis, just snagged a lot of salmon.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you know a honey bucket is really a bucket, but it’s not really full of honey. (If you don’t know, don’t ask)

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you know that the Rat Net is not a rodent catching device.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you know the Naknek twitch is an illegal fishing technique, not a spasmodic muscle in your neck.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you travel for two days to get outside but none of your family members will travel more than two minutes to visit you.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you learned to swim indoors.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you leave your Christmas lights up, year round, because as soon as it gets warm enough to take them down it starts getting dark enough to put them up again.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .your bedroom windows are covered in aluminum foil.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you had waffle soles put on your cowboy boots.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .your monthly veterinarian bill is more than your own medical bill.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you know that a “handi-man-jack” is a device designed to lift a car to change a flat, not a guy named Jack that comes around your house on Saturdays to repair minor problems.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you know a “white out” has to do with winter conditions not correcting fluid for typos.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">Living in Paradise< face="times new roman,helvetica">Jan. 10 5:00 P.M. It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!

< face="times new roman,helvetica">Jan. 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">Jan. 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night, and the temperature has dropped to around 11degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">Jan. 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my butt in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">Jan. 14 Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4×4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter-panel. Had another 8 inches of the white stuff last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That darn snowplow came by twice today.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">Jan. 15 -2 degrees outside. More blasted snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totaled.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">Jan.16 Darn blasted white snow keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the mailbox. If I ever catch the jerk that drives the snowplow, I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to open our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">Jan.17 Six darn more inches of blasted snow and sleet and ice and God knows what other kind of white crap fell last night. I wounded the snowplow jerk with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won’t start. I think I’m going snow blind. I can’t move my toes. I haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -62 degrees. I’m moving back to Albuquerque.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">You Know You’re In Alaska When…< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .when you’re outside at -40 below , shoveling snow in your shorts , well you know it’s a hassle putting on all those cloths for just 10 minutes.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .when your friend calls you up and says “Hey, I have some furniture for sale. Is there enough room in your igloo for it?”

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you are vacationing in Hawaii when a beautiful woman in a bikini walks by and you think, “Boy, I’d sure like to see her in a snowmobile suit.”

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you can see the road through the floorboard of your pickup truck.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you have called an 800 number you found in a catalog and then were told “Alaska? Oh, we don’t ship out of the United States.” (Try saying “North Pole”, most places usually laugh for a solid minute, or they just hang up thinking you’re some kind of prankster.)

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you put up with the pain of a toothache until the Permanent Fund Dividend checks come out in October.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you know going “outside” involves a whole lot more than opening a door and walking into the yard.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you have ever worn a tie with waders.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you have learned to never say to your kids, “Be home by dark.”

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you know Bunny Boots aren’t worn by bunnies or made out of bunnies.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you know the meaning of the word “baleen” and it has nothing to do with making hay into large cubes.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you think it’s normal for a town to put all the businesses on one side of the road.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .there are only three seasons: winter, breakup, summer.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .your local golf course has “happy hour” between 1:00 and 2:00 am

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .the seat in your outhouse is lined with styrofoam so your butt won’t freeze to it when you have to sit down for a amount of time.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .when you have to set your alarm every three hours to go start you car and let it run for 20 min. so hopefully it will start in the morning so you can go to work.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .when you leave the water running in the sink so your pipes won’t freeze and you can’t sleep because all you can hear is the water running.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .Instead of plugging in your freezer you just move it to the front porch!

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .You open your freezer to take out something for dinner, and are faced with many choices, Pink Salmon, Silver Salmon, Red Salmon, King Salmon, Smoked Salmon, or Halibut!

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .You go to shop for a second vehicle and come home with a snowmobile!

< face="times new roman,helvetica">. . .you’re buying a house & you have to ask for water & electricity as an option.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">Alaska’s More Important Laws< face="times new roman,helvetica">Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist.-Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

< face="times new roman,helvetica">Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank — proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.