21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to true color, 1024 x 768. You’ll never again have to worry about people reading confidential files over your shoulder.

22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don’t bother. We’ll be there to hold your hand after it’s done.

23. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

24. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the building. One of them is bound to work.

25. Don’t learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “my thingy’s outta whack”.

26. Don’t use online help. Online help is for wimps.

27. If you’re taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. We’re grateful for the overtime money.

28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he’s checking out your access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer, too.

29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

30. Don’t ever thank us. We’re getting paid for this.

31. If you’re an intern, feel free to bring in all your friends from college and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won’t let them use the scanner. We had no friends when we were in college; that’s why we’re such a bunch of tight-assed little twerps.

32. When a tech asks you whether you’ve installed any new software on this computer, lie. It’s nothing’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech’s chair with no nbody’s business what you’ve got on your computer.

33. When a tech finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell him you’ve never seen those before. We couldn’t tell bullshit if it kicked us in the face.

34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator’s password to “blowjob” and promptly forget it. We like installing NT.

35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into any slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical with 5.25 floppy drives.

38. When you get a message saying “Are you sure?”, click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?

39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don’t have any money to speak of anyway.

40. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing about that computer crap”. We don’t mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.